How Weird Are You?

Many occultists, pagans, new-agers, geeks, physicists and little old men like to claim that they are weird, at least when faced with blatantly normal company. But how true is it? After all, there's a lot more to being weird than just knowing some funky stuff.

To see if you actually capture the unhinged feeling of tentative lunacy that makes up genuine weirdness, just go through the following quiz question by question, keeping score.

The more points you get, the stranger you are.

If you don't understand any of these questions, then you can assume that you scored a 0 for that question.

The genuinely weird may like to email me their scores, although this is not an action that will gain you any bonus points. If this is so in your case, I undertake not to react "too" offensively to such an email, perhaps.

In the following quiz, select the lettered answer a) - f) that most closely corresonds with your actual feelings/attitude/life. You may occasionally be asked to make a choice in advance - do so before reading the answers for maximum effect. Each answer will score from 0 to 5 points, with a) being 0, f) being 5, and b) - e) being 1 - 4 points respectively. This is very intuitively obvious, if you are able to think about it. You know. c) is 2, yeah? Yeah. You got it. Trust me.

  1. MAKE A CHOICE - Select a number between 1 and 100 NOW!
  2. You chose:
    a) 2-4, 6, 9-16, 19-22, 24-41, 43-56, or 58-99.
    b) 1, 7, 69, or 100.
    c) 42.
    d) 23, 5, 17, or 18.
    e) 8.
    f)  57.

  3. I'm going to say "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" to you.
  4. a) What is the Illuminatus! Trilogy?
    b) Oh, that old Yarn by Wilson, right?
    c) I read the Illuminatus once. It was funny.
    d) I've read the Illuminatus many, many times. It contains the secrets
              of the universe, if you look hard enough.
    e) I own a printed & bound copy of the Principia!
    f)  I sign my name with the letters KNS after it.

  5. You're walking down the street, dressed in your favorite clothes.
  6. a) Businessmen look upon you as an equal.
    b) No one pays much attention. Trendy young people snigger slightly.
    c) Little children look slightly nervous at you.
    d) Builders and laborers cross the street to avoid passing you.
    e) A concerned citizen phones the police, who send in a SWAT team
              to take you out. Ha! It does no better than the last three.
    f)  No one pays much attention, until they try to seduce you. When
              they see your underwear, those who survive run away very, very
              fast, and do not talk to anyone about sex ever again. You "do"
              try to sit down too much, though.

  7. What do you think of Cthulhu?
  8. a) Ummm... it's a random string of unintelligible letters?
    b) Monster from Lovecraft's horror fiction.
    c) Tentacled monster that sleeps imprisoned in a sunken island in the
              South Pacific, waiting to rise again.
    d) A fascinating magickal egregore, very useful for dream-based
              rituals to Unknown Kaddath.
    e) Hng! Hng! Ia! Ia Cthulhu f'thagn! f-f-f-father! YOG SOTHOTH!!
    f)  <Secretive smile> Who? Didn't you come in here to buy a book,
              sonny, not to ask an old man silly questions?

  9. How do you derive your regular income?
  10. a) I work in an office. Why?
    b) I get a grant.
    c) I'm on welfare hand-outs.
    d) I deal drugs in Times Square.
    e) My father, who died some years ago, left me an inheritance that
              produces a modest monthly stipend. It isn't fantastic, but it's more
              than enough to keep my work going without 'dipping into the
    f)  Money comes to me as and when I need it. The means vary from
              day to day - yesterday, I found N$3000 (three thousand Nigerian
              dollars) hidden inside a cat.

  11. Bob?
  12. a) Jim?
    b) Oh, yeah, what do you call a disabled guy in a swimming pool,
    c) Haha! Slack! The Anti-Bob! Kill me! Frop! Hahaha!
    d) ... Ha! Watch me go! I'm the cosmic neutron gun! Throw my
              switch and watch _me_ blast you into space, baby! I ate the
              earth for breakfast, but it tasted like crap, so I spewed it
              back up again! Nothing can come close to me, because _I_ _COME_
              _CLOSE_ _TO_ _IT_!! I... (tape runs out)
    e) That'll be $5, please.
    f)  No.

  13. MAKE A CHOICE! - Select a number between 1 and 10 NOW!
  14. You chose:
    a) 1, 5, 7, 8, or 10.
    b) 3.
    c) 2.
    d) 9.
    e) 6.
    f)  4.

  15. Where, to your mind, do 'Strange Phenomena' start being _strange_?
  16. a) Anything that science can't explain easily.
    b) Telepathy. That really weirds me.
    c) A Rain of Live Frogs.
    d) Crop Circles appearing in concrete.
    e) Large demons appearing on live TV and ripping up a politician.
    f)  From the womb onwards, dude.

  17. What is Magick?
  18. a) David Copperfield. (But you spelt it wrong - no 'k', dumbhead).
    b) Strange people in silly clothes doing pointless things to chickens.
    c) Frazer's Law of Sympathy and Law of Contagion.
    d) The art of causing change in conformity with will.
    e) All life is Magick.
    f)  <Laughter>

  19. Do you possess any psychic powers?
  20. a) Aw, frag off, smeghead.
    b) No, but I wish I did.
    c) Well, I am very intuitive and in touch with my feminine nature.
    d) I know who's on the phone before I answer it.
    e) Yes, I often get visions which later come true. Bookies hate me.
    f)  Yeehaw! I've nearly got the full set! All I need now is Full-Contact
              Psychometry! Say... you wouldn't swap me for 2 Telepathies and a
              Clairvoyance, would you? I could throw in a Green Fingers, too...

  21. Do you play any Role-Playing Games?
  22. a) Dungeons and Dragons lead to Satanism and suicide. I *way* too
              smart for that.
    b) Oh boy, yes! I only stop playing CarWars to go to the toilet once a
    c) Yeah, sure, I've played some role-playing games. They're an
              interesting exercise.
    d) I read White Wolf(tm) Rulebooks, but I don't actually play.
    e) I write role-playing games professionally, as a matter of fact.
    f)  Play??? Look, bud, all my best magick was learnt from RPGs!
              Don't believe me? Watch, then, as I fireball your cat!
              ***WHOOOOOSSSSSSHH** **WHUMP**
              *MEEeeoooww......* HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

  23. A typical thing that your parents would say to you is:
  24. a) "Hello, dear, it's your mother. When are you bringing the kids
              round to see us again? I hope you're eating properly... I've been so
              tired recently."
    c) "Mph. Snrph. Wassup? Uh? It's 2 am, forgodsake!"
    d) Told to you only by mediums, 'cos they're no longer alive.
    e) "It's who??"
    f)  Nzrgnbit Zipplikaddah Cherbis Gazrag Earth Minnip Koodah
              Soon. Mwahahah!

  25. Do you see auras?
  26. a) What they?
    b) No.
    c) I tried once or twice, but no luck.
    d) After 30 minutes, naked, alone in a dark room...
    e) Yes.
    f)  That depends. I had a real mean aura in here once. It chewed up
              half the place, and I had to replace the sofa too. How much is it
              offering? Is it house-trained?

  27. If you are going to program a computer, what language do you use?
  28. a) Oh, I don't program computers. I use Microsoft.
    b) BASIC.
    c) Pascal.
    d) Object-extended C++, with the help of some home-defined
    e) I program in binary, actually.
    f)  COBOL.

  29. Let us suppose that you have a long-lost great-aunt, who dies and leaves you something in her will. What would it be?
  30. a) Ten Million Dollars.
    b) A nice house, say 30-40K, some furniture.
    c) A cat.
    d) A crumbling old gothic mansion, miles from anywhere, served by a
              single elderly retainer, just as crumbly. As you drive through the
              obligatory little village to take possession, all the locals stare at you
              with a mixture of fear, hope, and pity, but all you can think of is the
              wonderful party you're going to have there at the next full moon
              with all your Sorority sisters from the Campus.
    e) A mysterious old envelope, containing three sheets that look
              suspiciously like an ancient map...
    f)  A peculiar brass casket, sealed with wax and covered with odd
              hieroglyphs and symbols. Despite repeated urgings, you put it in the
              attic, unopened, and never touch it again. The matter is never
              mentioned again, save for a strange new addition to your will that
              your lawyer receives a short time later.

  31. What did you last eat?
  32. a) A nice pork chop, with some boiled potato and cabbage.
    b) Lentil stew with wok-fried bean sprouts and a glass of holistic
              carrot extract.
    c) A portion of chips.
    d) A pizza that was delivered to your door by a jumpy delivery guy.
    e) Some wafers made of a mixture of your own blood, your dog's
              sexual fluids, burnt parchment, and oatmeal bran.
    f)  Somalia.

  33. Which work of Aleister Crowley's did you find most illuminating?
  34. a) Who?
    b) Oh, well, actually, I never read any of his stuff yet, but I will real
    c) Magick in Theory and Practice
    d) Diary of a Drug Fiend
    e) The Book of The Law
    f)  The Book of Lies

  35. What is your normal sexual position?
  36. a) Ohh. Uhh. Um. My. Um. The missionary, I suppose.
    b) On top.
    c) In train toilets.
    d) In the middle.
    e) Spread on the altar with a candle up my a**.
    f)  Hanging by our feet from a street lamp, with our ears welded
              together and a pair of Moroccan Baboons for light relief.

  37. Do you have any pets?
  38. a) Yes, a dog.
    b) No.
    c) Yes, a cat.
    d) Yes, six Japanese fighting fish, carefully segregated.
    e) Weellll, sort of - I breed rabbits, goats, and black cockerels. I do
              try not to get too attached to them, though.
    f)  Oh yes, *giggle*, yes indeed. He'd like to see my pets, Igor! Come,
              come, let me show you. It's much _easier_ that way.

  39. Which of the following phrases do you use most often?
  40. a) "Isn't the weather dreadful?"
    b) "No, thanks."
    c) "A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one."
    d) "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that _your_ child? Please, have her back.
              Good day! I beg your ...? Fuck you too, Madam."
    e) "Atoh! Malkuth! Ve Geburah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olam!!"
    f)  "Please come back, little person! I only playing! Ha! Caught you!
              Oh. You leaking, person! Wake up! Why you all go sleep? No fun!
              You people so boring!"

Do you *REALLY* want to know how weird you are???

WWW version by markfive at

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-- "A magician walked along the shore, searching for her personal rock." || Laugh or Die || Don't ask me, man, I didn't do it!